NEWS FLASH
Pentagon: U.S. Prepared for Biblical Attacks. Washington, D.C- The Pentagon announced today that it is fully prepared to defend the nation against "Any type of assault directed against the American Homeland from heaven or from heavenly agents." The statement came in response to comments from Barack Obama's pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright in which he encouraged G-d to "Damn America." United States Secretary of Defense David Gates stated that the U.S. takes all threats made to our national security seriously. 'We believe damnation presents a clear and present danger to the interests of our nation, and we wish to say, in no uncertain terms, we will take whatever action we deem necessary to protect our country from this type of threat." Although unwilling to give specifics, Gates did say that the U.S. military has been "working hard" on new technologies to protect the nation from attacks by thunderbolt, slaying of the first born male, and locusts, "Just to name a few." Gates was quick to add that the U.S. has no plans to launch any type of pre-emptive attack against Heaven. "Our country has always had a very positive relationship with the Lord, what with Him usually blessing America and with us putting His name on our money and in the Pledge of Allegiance and all that," said Gates. We only become concerned when someone like Reverend Wright, with a direct link to G-d, starts encouraging Him to take aggressive action against our Nation." Reporters have prayed several questions to heaven but at this printing have recieved no comment.
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